Closure, y’know?

We all tell ourselves stories. That’s just how we’re wired.

Who’s the good guy? Which one’s the bad guy, again?

I don’t know about you, but I’m definitely accustomed to having my stories tied up in a neat little bow. Even if I’m feeling in the mood for something more sophisticated, I’d like my stories to have complicated characters, with everyone playing a role somewhere in varying shades of grey – but as the viewer, I’d have all the clarity I need to fully understand just where each of them is coming from. Or at least think that I do.

But what happens in real life? When you are one of the characters, who does not have the all-knowing perspective of the motivations behind all the other characters in your story?

Why isn’t he calling me back?

How could he just move on like that?

Sometimes, we think trying to find the answers to those questions will help us move forward.

I’m just looking for some closure, y’know?

I know.

Maybe, just maybe, he’s not calling because he’s too busy saving the world but he really really really does want to call back. And maybe, if you could just talk to him, he could tell you that.

Maybe he’s in a lot of pain, too, without you. He’s just drowning his sorrows in all that outward awesomeness.

Maybe if he could just tell you where things went wrong. At least you’d understand.

Maybe it’s all just a big misunderstanding. And if you could just see each other one more time, talk it out, it would all be cleared up and your fairytale could continue.

 

If you are at all thinking of dropping another text, calling, or trying to set up a meeting to just get some closure, you know?

I’ve got one word for you.

Don’t.

Just don’t.

You know why?

It will never be enough. It will never make things right. It WILL breed more dissatisfaction.

Why won’t he talk to me?

Why is he suddenly so mean? He’s never been like this.

Even if the the other person is just being perfectly gracious, how do we expect to find “I’m just not into you” a satisfying answer? Think about it: if the situation were reversed, you probably would not have a satisfying breakdown of why you’re just not into someone. Or even if you did, I doubt the other person would appreciate why you think their slightly weird laugh just didn’t do it for you.

Even if the other person seems as upset as you are that things have gone badly, and you give things another go, it will likely be another round of cycling the drain before it just goes down the sewage where it was headed in the first place.

If someone makes you feel so crazy and is so hard to talk to that you feel this toxic need to seek closure, they probably were not good for you anyway. Save yourself the drama. The more important questions are:

What was wrong with them?

If things weren’t working, it probably was because you both were not bringing the best out in each other. So, you’re you, and probably like yourself a fair bit. So, how about we consider for a moment what was wrong with this other person? What about them brought out the not-so-great parts of your personality? What can you learn from this to help you choose better next time?

What didn’t you like about yourself when you were with this person?

If we’re honest with ourselves in answering this question, we will likely find out where our insecurities lie. Maybe you always felt like you were not pretty enough. Not well read enough. I could sit here and tell you that it’s the other person’s fault for not making you feel good. But the more productive thing to do, is to shine the spotlight at these thoughts, interrogate them until they admit that they’re just your own insecurities. And then, come up with a game plan to fix them. Work out. Focus on the skills you want to develop. Do the things you think will make you the person you want to be.

Then, close the door, dust yourself off, and move on.

Cheers